Man vs. Mosquito: The Ultimate Insurgent

The past week I celebrated the Jewish holiday Sukkot. During this holiday, observant Jews “dwell” in their sukkah – a temporary structure. This “dwelling,” depending on climate and inclination can vary from formally living in it to merely taking some meals in the sukkah. Personally I like to spend as much time in it as possible. One side effect is that our back door is open a lot and mosquitos get in our house. My wife does not like mosquitos (but they love her), so I sat up one night and tried to hunt down the ones that got into our house. Not easy. Fast and hard to spot, my most effective anti-mosquito tactic was to sit very still and let them get a taste of my arm. A draining, tedious strategy, and in the process I got bored and had a few beers which only reduced my effectiveness. If I had had to deal with more than a handful I would have had to turn to chemical warfare.

The experience brought to mind the classic line from Robert Taber’s 1965 classic on counter-insurgency, The War of the Flea: Guerilla Warfare in Theory and Practice

Analogically, the guerilla fights the war of the flea, and his military enemy suffers the dog’s disadvantages: too much to defend;too small, ubiquitous, and agile an enemy to come to grips with. If the war continues long enough - this is the theory – the dog succumbs to exhaustion and anemia without ever having found anything on which to close its jaws or rake with its claws.

It was a humbling experience. I guess the one difference is that insurgents can be deterred and co-opted. Mosquitos are remorseless blood-sucking machines.

Al-Qaeda & Ostriches: Axis of the Asinine

My musings on ostriches and WMD attracted an interesting comment. After observing that both North Korea and Iran were seeking WMD and were I posted this picture and writing

Here is a picture of Osama bin Laden aide-de-camp Wadih el-Hage riding an ostrich during an al-Qaeda foray into flightless bird wrangling.

I received this comment.

This is one of the most ludicrous, asinine thing I've read about him yet. It wasn't "during an al-Qaeda foray into flightless bird wrangling." It was a family outing. We each rode an ostrich, one at a time, while the owners (also pictured) held onto them, much like one holds the reigns on a horse, though with ostriches, there are no reigns to be held, only feathers. This place is an ostrich farm. Please don't speak about things of which you have (very) limited knowledge. Also, in the future, please draw a solid line between perceived facts and your own opinions.

I try to respond to comments on my blog, usually with a comment of my own. But this deserves a bit more time.

First point: this is one of the "most ludicrous, asinine thing[s]" the commenter has read about Wadih el-Hage? Really? I'm sure if you poke around the blogosphere, this is pretty low-rent stuff. And if not, bloggers have not been doing their job!

Second point: that being said, the post is a bit ludicrous, and arguably asinine. It is clearly intended as a HUMOR piece (granted it may not be terribly funny). It was not meant to be taken seriously. Al-Qaeda and its ilk, continue to demonstrate a very serious humor deficit. This may be at the core of the "clash of civilizations." One side can't seem to take a joke... ever.

Third point: the comment also claims to have been present at the ostrich ride and that I am completely wrong about it and takes me to task for speaking "about things of which you [that is me] have (very) limited knowledge." Sure, ok. I was not there, I would never claim to be. However, I did not make any of this up whole cloth. The picture above was submitted as evidence by the defense in Wadih el-Hage's trial. The defense was arguing that el-Hage was a businessman who was looking to deal in various commodities, including apparently ostrich eggs (which I guess is different from ostrich wrangling - so I did engage in hyperbole - see point two above). The transcript from the trial is posted here.

Fourth point: perhaps this was in fact a family outing, which the defense attorneys later tried to portray as a business deal. I could not possibly know that. However, I would caution, the prosecuting attorney in the trial was Patrick Fitzgerald. If there is one thing I learned from Scooter Libby's trial it is not to fart around with evidentiary matters when Patrick Fitzgerald is the prosecutor.

Fifth point: The comment is a smokescreen or red herring. There is some inherent connection between ostrich farming and WMD. I am getting too close to the truth and the Axis of Ostriches is trying to sidetrack me. They are using subtle tactics of misdirection learned from studying Sun-Tzu.

Axis of Ostriches Redux: Iran's Failure

My last blog entry examined whether or not there was some connection between ostrich raising and seeking WMD. It was inspired by this story, about Iranian efforts to construct a 1500meter long ostrich meat sandwich in order to promote Iran's ostrich farming industry. I wrote about how both North Korea and al-Qaeda have tried to get into the ostrich business, and mused about whether this could be a reliable indicator of intentions to acquire WMD.

Iran's effort to construct a BIG big bird grinder was ultimately unsuccessful. People ate it before the sandwich was measured by Guinness officials. The implications of this are staggering. Clearly Tehran is beset with mass hunger (I mean these people were rushing to ostrich meat for heaven's sake) indicating that the regime is not providing essential services and could be unstable - although attempting to construct giant ostrich meat sandwiches is evidence of instability in its own right.

The failure to complete a giant, promised project is yet another blow to the regime's shaky credibility.

This is also evidence that sanctions are working. If there were Subways in Iran (there are none), you bet they would have gotten that sandwich done right, and at a good value (and with more toppings.

The frightening thought is that constructing a nuclear weapon may be easier than breaking the world's record for largest ostrich sandwich.

Axis of Ostriches? Avians of Evil?

Last week in Tehran, cooks assembled the largest ostrich meat sandwich in history. BBC reports

About 1,500 cooks used 1,000kg (2,200lbs) of ostrich meat to make the 1,500m (4,920ft) long sandwich.

The organisers hope those world-beating dimensions will be enough to earn a place in the Guinness Book of Records for the largest ostrich sandwich ever.

The intent was to promote Iran's ostrich farming industry, here's the video

Fair enough, but North Korea - under the explicit instructions of film auteur Kim Jong-il - has also taken a crack at husbanding the big-money bird.

Here is a picture of Osama bin Laden aide-de-camp Wadih el-Hage riding an ostrich during an al-Qaeda foray into flightless bird wrangling.

So what is the attraction of these massive non-avian avians to the axis of evil. I don't recall Dr. No having a phalanx of these beasts nor can I think of a WMD application for them (although, observed closely they do look like some bizarre mutatated rooster). Another evil character, George Costanza on Seinfeld was very proud of having eaten an ostrich burger. So have I - it's pretty good (red meat though, not white), I'd eat it again, but I keep kosher now and ostriches are specifically ruled out in Leviticus. So perhaps an obsession with propagating ostrich meat reflects anti-Semitism. During the Spanish Inquisition, Jews who publicly acted Catholic but privately remained Jewish were known as marranos. Marrano means pig in Spanish. This was because, to prove their conversion, these hidden Jews would eat pork, forbidden under Jewish law, in public.

Since Muslim law also forbids the consumption of pork, perhaps ostrich is an alternative prohibited meat to force on future conversos. Presumably these hidden Jews would be known as ostrichos or perhaps struthios (for their genus.)

(Remember the pork industry's slogan a few years ago, "Pork, the other white meat." I always thought promoting it based on health was the wrong way to go - no one is intrigued by healthy food. A catchier slogan would have been "Pork, the forbidden meat." Make pork eating seem subversive, something the man doesn't want you to know about - now that's marketing!)

The obvious metaphor between ostriches sticking their heads in sand, and dictators having their heads in the sand suggests itself. But, ostriches apparently don't actually do this - they eat sand and pebbles to aid their digestion. The truth is, ignoring danger isn't much of a survival strategy and ostriches, which can run nearly 45 mph and kick like Jean Claude Van Damme, have some pretty good options in the face of danger. Dictators too, don't survive with their heads in the sand. They build enormous intelligence agencies and quash - immediately - any threats to their authority.

As I write this I am at a meeting (for my day job) about different efforts to model terrorist organization behavior. Some models focus on causality, others on correlation. The reasons for weird dictator-types to get into ostrich farming may not be evident. But state-sponsored ostrich ranching seems like a solid datapoint for correlation with WMD-seeking behavior.

College Park Maryland Cougar Video: Unanswered Questions

Here is footage of the Savannah Cat terrorizing the University of Maryland College Park.

Notice how easily the cat disappears from the camera. Why did it allow itself to be caught on camera at that time? Steganography perhaps? A signal to al-Cata?

Meanwhile, what else does the University know? What else are they concealing from us?

Tune in next time, same cat blog, same cat url.

Large Cats@UMD Updates & Analysis: Infiltration Potential

My top secret campus briefing has been confirmed by mainstream media. First, the sightings were not humidity-induced mirages. Security cameras on campus have captured the elusive large cat's image. Specialists have determined that it is not a cougar, but probably a Savannah Cat.

A Savannah Cat is a mix between a Serval and a domestic short hair cat. A Savannah Cat, known as the "Great Dane" of the cat family, usually weighs in at around 35 pounds (75 lbs. less than a typical cougar.) So in terms of raw feline firepower the campus appears to be safer. But we must not be lulled into a false sense of security. There is more going on here than is generally realized. Highly placed campus sources tell me the sightings had been going on for over a week - and the University was keeping it quiet.

Why?

First, do not under-estimate the Savannah Cat, a creature so dangerous it was banned in Australia (although no permits are needed to own one in the U.S.):

An assessment commissioned by the government found that the savannah cat posed an extreme threat... with a likelihood that each generation would retain the more efficient hunting traits of the wild African serval.
[The Australian government stated it] would "not hesitate" to use [its] powers... to prevent the live import of any species or breed that poses a significant risk...

If infiltration is the plan, not frontal assault - typical in asymmetric threats - then the Savannah Cat could prove to be a deadly foe. Its domestic cat side will ensure it has tremendous familiarity and knowledge of human society. The Serval, a small hunter has evolved enormous ears and will sit and listen for up to 15 minutes while on a hunt. A self-contained killing machine that combines collection and analytical capabilities.

It is possible that some unknown corner of the University's research facilities scientists have engineered an uber-feline part animal, part machine - a cat-borg.

I will reiterate my concern - Redouble security around COLUSSUS ( the Internet backbone server at UMD) - some sort of cyber-feline alliance could be afoot!*




Also, based on this picture I found, it is clear a Savannah Cat could eat a small child - thus it is no accident that the beast was first sighted near the University's Center for Young Children.

(This picture comes from SelectExotics "a progressively innovative, TICA registered cattery that has continually been striving to produce the highest quality domesticated companions." So I guess if you wish to own one of these demon-spawn these are the people who can hook you up.)

Let me reiterate my previous call to the University of Maryland's feline intruder:

They will hunt you down and give you to someone qualified to take care of you. If such a boring, unchallenging life is what you seek, surrender. Otherwise, come to my office - I still have several pounds of raw meat waiting for you - and I can give you sanctuary.

*I am not worried that this bionic cat could somehow do damage to the Internet. Legend has it that there are enormous boxes of Legos from a defunct robotics lab somewhere in the bowels of the computer science department at MD. No one has ever found them (and I've looked high and low.) This Lego Dorado will probably never be found, because the Internet has appropriated them and is building a giant Legotron that will one day rise from its underworld home and do its cyber-master's bidding.

Cougar of College Park

Usually this blog focuses on the threat of trans-national terrorism – but major threats come in various forms. Reports of a cougar stalking the University of Maryland College Park (where, full disclosure, I am employed as a researcher) could represent more than a wayward large cat (strictly speaking cougars are not “great cats” because they don’t roar – although some great cats, like leopards, are actually smaller than cougars) – it could be a homeland security issue.





This appears to be an extraordinarily clever cougar, it was most recently spotted near the Center for Young Children - perfect prey for a cougar in search of an appetizer.

Although the brutal fact is that we are at the beast’s mercy. Cougars are lightning fast, whereas Terrapins are notoriously slow.

But there is reason to believe there is more going on. The University of Maryland is home to a number of sensitive projects and institutions. Most notably, one of the 13 DNS root name servers that run the internet is based at Maryland (exact location undisclosed – and possibly unknown.) Could the cougar be attempting to hijack the internet for purposes unknown?

This is particularly worrisome if, as many (or at least I) believe, the server has achieved an independent consciousness – like the super-computer in Colossus: The Forbin Project.

All things considered, our best bet is to attempt to negotiate with the cougar and come to terms with it. I have extensive experience with large cats (I’ll discuss this in a future post) so I will volunteer to be an emissary. As a tribute to our new feline over-Lord I am bringing several pounds of raw meat into my office.

So, let me address the cougar directly. If you are out there and scared, come to my office – I can offer you sanctuary (and possibly a research assistant position.)

If you can’t smell the raw meat, look me up in the directory, or stop by the main office of my lab.